THIS IS COLLEGE?

I don't really know where to begin... I want to feel pain. But I cannot... I only ever feel neutral.

College Life is... the same as normal life.

I'm just feeling generally depressed. I don't know what brought on this bout of sadness. Just kind of fed off of Kori's anxiety about her whole pot incident with Chris last night. And it doesn't help that now I just kind of feel like there is no anchor to the world. I am in a new place with no one I really know... Except Kori that is. My anxiety then fizzled out, leaving me sad and mourning myself. I took a sad bike ride. I felt sad. I am still so afraid that I will never find myself capable of being good enough to be loved. Telling Kori about my Denzel Washington Incident and how I don't see myself as a person who "cuddles," or at least able to envision myself "cuddling," made me realize that I still have issues with my self image. Then I made it worse by simply immersing myself in sadness and a sad song about anorexia. I still have this feeling that I will never be able to have a relationship. And every day, it becomes more and more real... Every day I continue to be alone. Every day I see those I could have feelings for just moving away from me, finding love in other avenues. I just want to have someone's arms around me... I just want to feel like I could make a difference in someone's life. Like someone can't go a day or two without seeing me or hearing my voice. Am I just too crude to be loved? Too fat? Am I too offensive and awkward in social situations to be loved by anyone other than Chris Bozeka? Why would he even... I don't understand. Nothing about me makes me desirable in any way. Why should I even hope for anything more than what I have? I should be happy to have the woods and the sky and the friends I have... But I want someone to share that with. I want someone that understands what walking in the woods is like... a step into something better than the rat race I'm in. Feeling like this makes me think I haven't gone anywhere but into a more dignified and mature form of depression. And the thing is, I want someone to know. Someone who loves me... a guy that can pick me up. But no one can pick me up because I'm huge. Wow. If I wasn't so large maybe it wouldn't be so hard for me to attract a man.

I want to be somebody's.

Elizabeth

ANGRY CHINCHILLA!!!

My chinchilla is probably pretty angry right now. I need to go clean his cage but my foot is asleep. Pissing me off.

I just made some of my choices for the classes i'll take in collge. Thats creepy.

I got my cartelige pierced. Hurts like a bitch when i touch it. But Oh well. I will try to put up with it for the next 24 weeks. Debating what to get for my tattoo. I want to get an otter. Little guys are bitching!

Chilling out. That's the name of the game. Love you all.

Elizabeth

FLOATING IN ONE PLACE...

I just keep remaining in the same place and I want to move on. But I need to kick myself in the ass.

Serious ass kicking.

Hope it happens!

Elizabeth

PROM/MEN= BULL SHIT

I'm starting to think that prom is not worth this shit. There is too much emotion surrounding this affair. It's so far away, so why is everyone being all crazy and shit? I do not understand. I actually found a Walt Whitman poem I like.

"Are you the new person drawn toward me?"

by Walt Whitman

Are you the new person drawn toward me?
To begin with, take warning, I am surely far different from what you suppose;
Do you suppose you will find in me your ideal?
Do you think it so easy to have me become your lover?
Do you think the friendship of me would be unalloy’d satisfaction?
Do you think I am trusty and faithful?
Do you see no further than this façade, this smooth and tolerant manner of me?
Do you suppose yourself advancing on real ground toward a real heroic man?
Have you no thought, O dreamer, that it may be all maya, illusion?

I like this because I feel it to be true about me... Why do I suddenly feel frightened? I'm scared... I feel unworthy suddenly. Yet hopeful... And yet a part of me yearns to throw that shit out the fucking window... I wish I had never started cussing. But I love that part of me. I love it. Yet I feel like it makes me a little less feminine. But apparently it doesn't throw off some people....

HAHA MY LIFE IS GAY!

Lela